Super thought-provoking essay, Michelle! Your writing is a joy to read.
I read the Twilight series when I was 13, shortly before it became a cultural phenomenon at my school. It was probably the first romance novel I ever read. I was Team Edward, because Jacob was a jerk. I didn't see Edward's weird possessiveness and controlling behavior as problematic at the time; I think I found it amusing and endearing. Now that kind of thing is a huge turn off for me in books and movies. But back then, the idea that a guy would pay that much attention to you was thrilling. And it still is. But having spend a decade out in the world since high school and getting a lot of unwanted, often sinister, attention from men has made that sort of excitement feel twisted and gross. But then I think that is also the part of the thrill, for writers as well as readers of this standard romantic script in books and movies that Twilight helped push forward: We all (we being women attracted to men) secretly wish that behind the dark and dominating behavior is a man who behaves that way out of deepest love for us—thus rendering the dangerous safe, and rendering our lack of control over controlling men truly within our control. It's the ultimate fantasy because the more you engage in it, the more controlled you feel, and the more you must engage in it to feel like you are in control. I think if it were more the norm for men to be emotionally present with women in a respectful, consensual way, this might not be so much of a collective fantasy.
On a side note, your blog reminds me of Maria Popova's Brain Pickings (now The Marginalian), but for pop culture. Which as far as I know is an internet niche that no one else has filled very well (not that I know that much about the internet). I think this work you're doing, creating this blog, is important.
Oh Eleanor, thank you so much. 🤗 It’s an honour to receive such a long and thoughtful message from you, a talented writer yourself!!!
I like what you said about attention very much. I would add that the fantasy of the attention being, ultimately, about devotion is itself a kind of societal cope — like can we use this lens to make stalking ok? To make catcalling tender? Almost the way that in traumatic moments the mind can drift off into a fantasyland where things are alright. I wonder how many romance tropes come out, at least partially, of this urgent need to make okay the imbalances of power all around us?
I just wonder this because in my own life, with past relationships, I know I have sought almost every excuse or explanation under the sun for partners who ultimately were not interested or capable of the kind of attention I wanted. It’s because they are busy, or hurt by this other thing, or blah blah blah. It’s temporary. Just as we seek ways to let men off the hook for their unwanted attention, we also seek to let them off the hook for a lack of it.
I love your conclusion that perhaps if it were more normal for our partners to be emotionally present, we would stop valorizing obsession. In a more quotidian example I think of how my father always counsels me not to go grocery shopping when I am hungry LOL! Because we always buy so much more than we need. Maybe we want obsession because we’re utterly starved? And maybe to just be gently listened to… yields the internal balance necessary to discern that Edward is in fact creepy.
Yes I love your point about toxic romantic tropes being a societal coping mechanism to make the imbalances of power around us ok. Maybe this is part of the reason why gender imbalances are, and have been throughout history, largely perpetuated by women themselves. Like how mothers treat their sons more favorably than their daughters. That's not a romantic example, but it's a way of women taking ownership of their lesser value in society through becoming the enforcers of it, and in some twisted way, making it an expression of love. But more in terms of romance, I've always found it interesting that this fantasy about males being obsessed/stalker-ish is almost exclusively put forward in books by female authors.
I also like your point about lack of attention from men being just as much a motivator of this coping mechanism as unwanted attention. Haha it totally is like hungry grocery store shopping, when all the unhealthy food looks so appealing :P Now I'm going to be categorizing all the male romantic leads in stories as "refined carbs men" or "fruits and veggies men."
I don't know if we can quantify who's perpetuated it more, but I do think we absolutely exist in a system that is perpetuated by most people, including women!!! It takes conscious work to rethink these systems anew, like the difference between using whatever you inherit and having to go out there, forge new ways of seeing the world, women, meaning, etc.!! AHHH!!!
And haha, I love it! I recently met a potential new friend who -- with GREAT maturity -- was like, this meeting was great, I think we have great friend potential, let's take a week to let ourselves settle and check back in instead of riding off this "friendship first date energy" 👀 That was some major FRUIT AND VEGGIE behaviour! We don't celebrate it enough. Nor do we code it as particularly attractive, but I wish we did.
I have never read Twilight, perhaps for similar reasons as your younger self.
I do love what you said about how Twilight was meant to be debated & shared in public. (And more broadly that perhaps some works are meant for that, not solitary consumption)
I remember I attended a Christian Middle School part time, & seemingly every girl had a copy of Twilight with her. Unsurprisingly many conservative parents weren't so keen on the book. However, in a beautiful turn, our principle Mr Ray, rather than snub the book from afar, decided to read it alongside his students, & joined the debates & reactions.
I can see how having your principal read Twilight — which I think derives at least part of its thrill from the feeling that you shouldn’t be enjoying this, that it’s sinful as a decadent chocolate or a stolen kiss — would be SO exciting and strange. A total social experiment. I wish I could have experienced that. How brilliant!
I am an unabashed lover of trashy media. I credit my brother (28) for my lack of shame. He loyally watches Riverdale, exhorts all Marvel properties, and goes to Ariana Grande concerts and cries. He taught me that we consume media for different reasons. Sometimes, it is socially, as you describe, other times, it is for nostalgia, perceived obligation, aesthetics, or it's mindlessness.
Years of going to sleep watching Gilmore Girls seeped into my subconscious, and convinced me I was a bookish intellectual. I bought a copy of Jane Erye (loved it), and I was off on a self-aggrandized ego trip to read as many classics as I could afford. Now, I can say I have read Moby-Dick and Ulysses and Finnegan's Wake. However, I am the same as I was before. Not to say that books or meida can't change you--- I have been transformed by books (looking at you The Waves)---but you have to consume authentically. Part of that is understanding and admitting your intentions for consuming media, even if it is just to "be the kind of person" to read or watch x, y, z.
Mostly, I like what I like and don't give much thought to it, save music. I've never been compelled to care what regularly binge watching Twilight and John Wick says about me. Maybe I don't want to know. But I do know I am a seriously intellectual and silly individual. I don't mind the contrast.
Thank you Lor! It was fun for me to hear more about your media habits because I always find you so widely-read in your own essays!
I love this -- "Now, I can say I have read Moby-Dick and Ulysses and Finnegan's Wake. However, I am the same as I was before."
I think you are so right. I think for something to change us, it's been my experience that we usually have to approach it with a genuine, vulnerable question -- the answer to which really matters to us. The answer should be of consequence. "How should I be as a person?" "Will I ever love again?" "I feel mad -- does that madness have a place in society?" The answer should really, deeply matter!!!
Thank you, Michelle! Being described as well read is one of the biggest compliments. I feel woefully under-read, so I'm glad I give off that impression, accurate or not.
Super thought-provoking essay, Michelle! Your writing is a joy to read.
I read the Twilight series when I was 13, shortly before it became a cultural phenomenon at my school. It was probably the first romance novel I ever read. I was Team Edward, because Jacob was a jerk. I didn't see Edward's weird possessiveness and controlling behavior as problematic at the time; I think I found it amusing and endearing. Now that kind of thing is a huge turn off for me in books and movies. But back then, the idea that a guy would pay that much attention to you was thrilling. And it still is. But having spend a decade out in the world since high school and getting a lot of unwanted, often sinister, attention from men has made that sort of excitement feel twisted and gross. But then I think that is also the part of the thrill, for writers as well as readers of this standard romantic script in books and movies that Twilight helped push forward: We all (we being women attracted to men) secretly wish that behind the dark and dominating behavior is a man who behaves that way out of deepest love for us—thus rendering the dangerous safe, and rendering our lack of control over controlling men truly within our control. It's the ultimate fantasy because the more you engage in it, the more controlled you feel, and the more you must engage in it to feel like you are in control. I think if it were more the norm for men to be emotionally present with women in a respectful, consensual way, this might not be so much of a collective fantasy.
On a side note, your blog reminds me of Maria Popova's Brain Pickings (now The Marginalian), but for pop culture. Which as far as I know is an internet niche that no one else has filled very well (not that I know that much about the internet). I think this work you're doing, creating this blog, is important.
Oh Eleanor, thank you so much. 🤗 It’s an honour to receive such a long and thoughtful message from you, a talented writer yourself!!!
I like what you said about attention very much. I would add that the fantasy of the attention being, ultimately, about devotion is itself a kind of societal cope — like can we use this lens to make stalking ok? To make catcalling tender? Almost the way that in traumatic moments the mind can drift off into a fantasyland where things are alright. I wonder how many romance tropes come out, at least partially, of this urgent need to make okay the imbalances of power all around us?
I just wonder this because in my own life, with past relationships, I know I have sought almost every excuse or explanation under the sun for partners who ultimately were not interested or capable of the kind of attention I wanted. It’s because they are busy, or hurt by this other thing, or blah blah blah. It’s temporary. Just as we seek ways to let men off the hook for their unwanted attention, we also seek to let them off the hook for a lack of it.
I love your conclusion that perhaps if it were more normal for our partners to be emotionally present, we would stop valorizing obsession. In a more quotidian example I think of how my father always counsels me not to go grocery shopping when I am hungry LOL! Because we always buy so much more than we need. Maybe we want obsession because we’re utterly starved? And maybe to just be gently listened to… yields the internal balance necessary to discern that Edward is in fact creepy.
💗🙏 💗
Yes I love your point about toxic romantic tropes being a societal coping mechanism to make the imbalances of power around us ok. Maybe this is part of the reason why gender imbalances are, and have been throughout history, largely perpetuated by women themselves. Like how mothers treat their sons more favorably than their daughters. That's not a romantic example, but it's a way of women taking ownership of their lesser value in society through becoming the enforcers of it, and in some twisted way, making it an expression of love. But more in terms of romance, I've always found it interesting that this fantasy about males being obsessed/stalker-ish is almost exclusively put forward in books by female authors.
I also like your point about lack of attention from men being just as much a motivator of this coping mechanism as unwanted attention. Haha it totally is like hungry grocery store shopping, when all the unhealthy food looks so appealing :P Now I'm going to be categorizing all the male romantic leads in stories as "refined carbs men" or "fruits and veggies men."
I don't know if we can quantify who's perpetuated it more, but I do think we absolutely exist in a system that is perpetuated by most people, including women!!! It takes conscious work to rethink these systems anew, like the difference between using whatever you inherit and having to go out there, forge new ways of seeing the world, women, meaning, etc.!! AHHH!!!
And haha, I love it! I recently met a potential new friend who -- with GREAT maturity -- was like, this meeting was great, I think we have great friend potential, let's take a week to let ourselves settle and check back in instead of riding off this "friendship first date energy" 👀 That was some major FRUIT AND VEGGIE behaviour! We don't celebrate it enough. Nor do we code it as particularly attractive, but I wish we did.
I have never read Twilight, perhaps for similar reasons as your younger self.
I do love what you said about how Twilight was meant to be debated & shared in public. (And more broadly that perhaps some works are meant for that, not solitary consumption)
I remember I attended a Christian Middle School part time, & seemingly every girl had a copy of Twilight with her. Unsurprisingly many conservative parents weren't so keen on the book. However, in a beautiful turn, our principle Mr Ray, rather than snub the book from afar, decided to read it alongside his students, & joined the debates & reactions.
Mr. Ray!!! Ah, that is educator goals David!
I can see how having your principal read Twilight — which I think derives at least part of its thrill from the feeling that you shouldn’t be enjoying this, that it’s sinful as a decadent chocolate or a stolen kiss — would be SO exciting and strange. A total social experiment. I wish I could have experienced that. How brilliant!
I am an unabashed lover of trashy media. I credit my brother (28) for my lack of shame. He loyally watches Riverdale, exhorts all Marvel properties, and goes to Ariana Grande concerts and cries. He taught me that we consume media for different reasons. Sometimes, it is socially, as you describe, other times, it is for nostalgia, perceived obligation, aesthetics, or it's mindlessness.
Years of going to sleep watching Gilmore Girls seeped into my subconscious, and convinced me I was a bookish intellectual. I bought a copy of Jane Erye (loved it), and I was off on a self-aggrandized ego trip to read as many classics as I could afford. Now, I can say I have read Moby-Dick and Ulysses and Finnegan's Wake. However, I am the same as I was before. Not to say that books or meida can't change you--- I have been transformed by books (looking at you The Waves)---but you have to consume authentically. Part of that is understanding and admitting your intentions for consuming media, even if it is just to "be the kind of person" to read or watch x, y, z.
Mostly, I like what I like and don't give much thought to it, save music. I've never been compelled to care what regularly binge watching Twilight and John Wick says about me. Maybe I don't want to know. But I do know I am a seriously intellectual and silly individual. I don't mind the contrast.
*I am using the term media broadly.
Thank you Lor! It was fun for me to hear more about your media habits because I always find you so widely-read in your own essays!
I love this -- "Now, I can say I have read Moby-Dick and Ulysses and Finnegan's Wake. However, I am the same as I was before."
I think you are so right. I think for something to change us, it's been my experience that we usually have to approach it with a genuine, vulnerable question -- the answer to which really matters to us. The answer should be of consequence. "How should I be as a person?" "Will I ever love again?" "I feel mad -- does that madness have a place in society?" The answer should really, deeply matter!!!
Thank you, Michelle! Being described as well read is one of the biggest compliments. I feel woefully under-read, so I'm glad I give off that impression, accurate or not.