Everyone: *places them in a “don’t box me in” box* ✅
I think it’s reasonable to want society to prove that it’s engaging with our non-normy-ness.
But I also think if you give us a social way to signal it, then the signal will become the target. And, as brother Goodhart taught us, then it’s not a very good signal anymore.
I see pronoun culture as a great example of how the internet has brought speed but not depth of engagement with ideas. And I think you’re right: what we ultimately want is depth of engagement with us, with the room to be messy in the expression and the reception.
And if we truly want that, I think we have to also not put others in “good person”/“evil person” boxes, and leave space for complexity of understanding.
I know so many people who use pronouns carefully, but care little about the person behind them.
I know others who see non-binary as an abomination of what God intended, but who also see and care for people with incredible depth.
Cancel me for saying this, but I see much more overlap between those engaging with gender nonconformity and many in deep “conservative” religions, than with performsrive liberal culture. The former are both trying to connect with something beyond labels and words, and pushing against a mainstream culture that wants to commodity ideas.
I think they’ve just been pitted against each other BY THE FAKE NEWS MEDIA
This was such an insightful perspective for me (a normie). I'm struck by the thought that, especially as we age and collect more identities (daughter, girl, dancer, Irish American, woman, student, English major, graduate, wife, editor, mother, at-home parent, reader, etc etc etc) that every single one of us chooses which aspects of our identities to share at any given moment, based on the situation. Why do some people feel pigeonholed by that, while others don't?
The "you don't/can't know the multitudes of me" reminder reinforced by pronouns and the confusion or discomfort for others changing them can bring seems isolating rather than liberating. Maybe at first it feels liberating. Perhaps the limits that choosing different aspects of the self to present are self imposed. I can't think of anyone, normies included, who believes any individual is reduced to only one or two things. In that way, "nonbinary" seems like a rebellion from being known, even in part.
I made a move during the pandemic from the Bay Area to rural Washington--the closest town twenty minutes away has a population of 3,000. In getting introduced to various neighbors it has struck me how neighbors describe each other with a mix of attributes: "He's a kind man, but shirks any responsibility" or "He's dependable, but has a temper" or "She's generous, but reclusive".
These descriptions have felt more full to me than the SF Happy Hour introductions I am used to. Maybe it's the result of living in the same small town for decades, where you have the opportunity to be known and know a person.
Having more interactions with my neighbors relaxes the anxiety of needing to be understood over a cocktail. And I've noticed a shift that I am less likely to judge a person on a single interaction.
NBs: “you can’t put us us in your boxes!”
Everyone: *places them in a “don’t box me in” box* ✅
I think it’s reasonable to want society to prove that it’s engaging with our non-normy-ness.
But I also think if you give us a social way to signal it, then the signal will become the target. And, as brother Goodhart taught us, then it’s not a very good signal anymore.
I see pronoun culture as a great example of how the internet has brought speed but not depth of engagement with ideas. And I think you’re right: what we ultimately want is depth of engagement with us, with the room to be messy in the expression and the reception.
And if we truly want that, I think we have to also not put others in “good person”/“evil person” boxes, and leave space for complexity of understanding.
I know so many people who use pronouns carefully, but care little about the person behind them.
I know others who see non-binary as an abomination of what God intended, but who also see and care for people with incredible depth.
Cancel me for saying this, but I see much more overlap between those engaging with gender nonconformity and many in deep “conservative” religions, than with performsrive liberal culture. The former are both trying to connect with something beyond labels and words, and pushing against a mainstream culture that wants to commodity ideas.
I think they’ve just been pitted against each other BY THE FAKE NEWS MEDIA
😉
This was such an insightful perspective for me (a normie). I'm struck by the thought that, especially as we age and collect more identities (daughter, girl, dancer, Irish American, woman, student, English major, graduate, wife, editor, mother, at-home parent, reader, etc etc etc) that every single one of us chooses which aspects of our identities to share at any given moment, based on the situation. Why do some people feel pigeonholed by that, while others don't?
The "you don't/can't know the multitudes of me" reminder reinforced by pronouns and the confusion or discomfort for others changing them can bring seems isolating rather than liberating. Maybe at first it feels liberating. Perhaps the limits that choosing different aspects of the self to present are self imposed. I can't think of anyone, normies included, who believes any individual is reduced to only one or two things. In that way, "nonbinary" seems like a rebellion from being known, even in part.
Really resonated!!
I made a move during the pandemic from the Bay Area to rural Washington--the closest town twenty minutes away has a population of 3,000. In getting introduced to various neighbors it has struck me how neighbors describe each other with a mix of attributes: "He's a kind man, but shirks any responsibility" or "He's dependable, but has a temper" or "She's generous, but reclusive".
These descriptions have felt more full to me than the SF Happy Hour introductions I am used to. Maybe it's the result of living in the same small town for decades, where you have the opportunity to be known and know a person.
Having more interactions with my neighbors relaxes the anxiety of needing to be understood over a cocktail. And I've noticed a shift that I am less likely to judge a person on a single interaction.
Hey Michelle! I'd love to get in touch. What's the best email to reach you?
Sometimes I think the only way I can represent myself is in writing. At a dinner party full of strangers, how is it even possible?